Latest from The Onion
The Onion
a day ago
- Entertainment
- The Onion
What Are Our Dietary Restrictions?
Gemini (May 21 to June 20): You really shouldn't have done that…That's unfortunately as specific as the stars can be. Read Your Horoscope
The Onion
a day ago
- The Onion
Report: It Probably Fine That 5-Year-Old Just Whizzed By On Lyft Scooter
LOS ANGELES—Stressing that it wasn't their problem and they certainly didn't have the time or energy to investigate further, the authors of a report released Thursday found that it was probably fine that a 5-year-old just whizzed by on a Lyft scooter. 'Nobody else on the street seems to be freaking out or anything, and look, I don't even know what the age restrictions are on those scooters, so maybe he meets the minimum requirements or something,' said lead researcher Amanda Powell, confirming that she was pretty sure you needed a phone to activate the scooter, so there was probably a parent or older sibling nearby. 'The kid obviously knows what he's doing—I mean, look at how fast he's weaving in and out of the crowd. And anyway, even if it was a problem, what would I even do about it? Chase after him? He's so far away at this point that it wouldn't even be possible. Besides, I'm in a big hurry.' At press time, sources confirmed the distant sounds of honking horns followed by screeching tires and a loud crash could be literally anything.
The Onion
2 days ago
- Entertainment
- The Onion
Allergic Swelling Leaves Kristi Noem's Face Completely Recognizable
The post Allergic Swelling Leaves Kristi Noem's Face Completely Recognizable appeared first on The Onion.
The Onion
2 days ago
- Health
- The Onion
Texas Doctor Tapes Pregnancy Pamphlet To Comatose Woman's Forehead
The post Texas Doctor Tapes Pregnancy Pamphlet To Comatose Woman's Forehead appeared first on The Onion.
The Onion
2 days ago
- Entertainment
- The Onion
Tourist Damages Museum's Crystal-Covered Chair By Sitting On It
A crystal-covered chair inspired by one of Vincent Van Gogh's most famous paintings was seriously damaged when a tourist sat on it while posing for a photograph. What do you think? 'And that, too, is art.' Gail Holmberg, Systems Analyst 'You can't really judge art until you know how comfortable it is.' Fabian Azarias, Polyurethane Enthusiast 'I can never keep track of what we're allowed to sit on these days.' Aaron Cuhz, Florist's Apprentice
